im disgusting for trying to move on..? yes, i did break up with her. yes, i did say a lot of shit to her that i regret saying till this day. yes, i did tell nok that i want to become a better person for her. but i dont know if you know, i asked her back not once, but numerous times. i was in a bad place for almost three months, holding onto something that i thought would eventually become real. i didnt lie when i said i want to become a better person for nok. if ever our paths collide in the future, i want to be a much better person for her. and nok got into a relationship before i did. she moved on and she’s happy. and im glad she’s happy with the guy she’s with now. but im the cock sucker for trying to move on and getting into a relationship? what am i supposed to do? wait for her and keep trying to get her back while she enjoys being in a relationship? again, she moved on. in other words, she doesnt want me. so why waste my time and effort for her when she clearly doesnt feel the same way as i do?

i dont know who you are but im happy you sent me this msg. this just shows that nok has a friend who would defend her and care for her. i hope you are always there for her, through her ups and downs. im sorry if my actions toward nok pissed you off but i tried my best, i really did.

…and then it hit me.

im done.

          im fucking done.

i don’t want to feel like this anymore.

i don’t want to hold on to what barely exists.

i don’t want to try and make the impossible, possible.

i don’t want to keep hoping that this might happen.

i was an idiot for believing that there was the slightest hope,

the slightest hope that we were meant for each other.

you will never ever know how much you mean to me.

you will never ever know how much i care for you.

you will never ever know how much i miss you.

you will never ever know how much i love you.

hell, no one will ever love you the way i love you.

i hope you realize that.

and i hope you regret the day you stopped loving me.

im going to be good.

          im going to be fucking good.

          no matter how hard you try.

no matter how much effort you put in.

no matter how desperately you pray.

there are things that are just irreversible.

          it’s unfair, to be honest. 

they say you have to fight for what you want.

but what if the thing you want to fight for,

doesn’t want you back.

but what if the thing you want to fight for,

has already sailed away.

          you should never try to catch a bus that has already passed you.

instead, you should wait for the next bus,

and it might take a while for the next one to come.

but what if you don’t want to get on that bus,

what if you want to run after the bust that had left,

even though you know there’s no space in that bus

you just want to, no, need to get in that bus.

          sadly, there are things that are not within our parameters.

there are things we just can’t change in this heartless world. 

          irreversible things. 

heartless world.

im an idiot.

im a piece of shit.

a pathetic, piece of shit.

living in a 

heartless world.